The "Oh" Face

Ok, so as you might have guessed from the title of this blog, I am an unemployed music teacher. No, I am not unemployed because I was fired, or because I am lazy, or because I have some off putting facial dis-figuration that scares small children. I am unemployed because the economy blows and I chose a field that people don't value as much as Math, or Science, or Phys. Ed. (yeah, we're less important than GYM). The district I previously taught in cut my position from the budget, leaving me to fend for myself, battling for the few vacant positions that still exist, sending application after application, waiting next to the phone for call about an interview...a call that would never come.

For those of you without jobs, or have been without jobs, you know what it's like. It sucks. As much as we all complain about our jobs, or careers, it feels nice to have a reason to get up in the morning, aside from our desire to catch the latest episode of Live With Regis and Kelly. My days currently consist of waking up at 10, browsing the teaching job websites, crying over my bachelors degree, checking facebook and looking at all of my friends with jobs, contemplating finding new friends, and then watching the Keeping Up With The Kardashians marathon on E! until the wee hours of the morning. Glamorous, I know, but there is only so much you can do.

Because I live in a small town, I try to leave the house as little as possible. This is because A) Most days I no longer have the motivation to change out of my pajamas, B) Because there is nothing to do anyway, and C) I have no desire to run into anyone I know. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and the people in this town, but I can't stand the crushing blow of, what I call, "The Oh Face."

Let me set the scene for you...I'm shopping at the grocery store, searching the freezer for the biggest box of Bagel Bites known to man, when I someone I know rounds the corner. It's the parent of a good friend of mine. We make small talk for a while and, because this is a small town and people talk, she asks me about the job search. I smile politely and try to sound optimistic about some of the applications I have submitted, saying that I "have a good feeling about this one..." and "I know a guy there...", but ultimately, when I can't avoid it any longer, I end with saying, 'but, no job yet!". That's when it hits you. You know it's coming but you can't mentally prepare yourself for it. It's like a cheap shot in the gut. "The Oh Face." It's that moment when the person's face contorts into forced sadness and pity. The moment where you realize that there is one more person who's life is better than yours. You already know that, of course, but there it is, mocking you, shaming you.

And then, as if the look wasn't enough, the single most insulting syllable in the English language escapes their lips..."Oh". Now, being a music teacher, possessing an ear that is incredibly attuned to pitch fluctuation, I am fully capable of analyzing the meaning behind each individual "oh." These are the ones I have encountered thus far:

"Oh" #1- The Soul Crusher- This is the most common "Oh". It starts at a relatively normal speaking pitch and then descends to a pitch so low, the person sounds like James Earl Jones after a night of hardcore partying at a basement rave in SoHo. The simple 2 letter word is elongated to the point of absurdity and is accompanied with a sloping body motion.The shoulders slump and the person makes a face resembling the most pathetic looking Basset Hound. This "oh" tells you that the person is sad and disappointed. Sad I can deal with, I live sad. But the disappointment kills you. As if you didn't feel like enough of a failure to begin with, now you feel like you have let them down. Your last shred of pride throws itself in front of a moving bus and you're left to pick up the remnants of your shattered dreams and ambitions.

"Oh" #2- The Cockeyed Optimist- This is usually the one your mother gives you, or your best friend, because they care about you and mean well. This one is so brief that if you sneeze, you'll miss it. "Oh" #2 sits higher in your vocal register making you sound like Peter Brady during his struggle with puberty. The pitch doesn't fluctuate much which is good because you don't feel like you've let everyone down by simply existing. This "oh" suggests that things will be alright and that your luck will change. Sounds nice right? Wrong. It's one thing if I chose to lie to myself and pretend like I won't have to bag groceries until I turn 40, but when someone else lies to your face, it's insulting. I know they mean well, but if they want me to feel better, they should buy me a puppy and leave me alone with the only real friends I have: Ben and Jerry.

"Oh" #3- The Awkward Turtle- Of all of the "oh"s I have discussed so far, this is the one that really makes me want to rip your face off. Starting at a normal pitch, "oh" #3 ascends (usually up a major third, for you aural skills nerds out there) and returns to the original pitch rather quickly. This is accompanied with an almost instantaneous raising of the eyebrows and an unconscious step backward. The person is immediately regretting the direction this conversation has taken and feels incredibly awkward. REALLY?!?!?!?! YOU FEEL AWKWARD? I am the one who had to openly admit to you that I suck at life! At this point, I feel compelled to tell my whole sad struggle to find unemployment, highlighting my fears of not being able to pay student loans, of watching my aspirations fizzle and die, and the prospect of having to live with my parents well past the age where it is acceptable to do so. All of my efforts are concentrated in creating a hurricane of awkward that envelops and corrupts you until you feel the sudden urge to get the hell out of there. As much as this "oh" makes me hate you, I feel oddly mollified when we part ways.


In short, there is nothing you can say to someone struggling with unemployment to make them feel better. You should simply do your best to make them laugh. Laughter really is the best medicine. By saying something like "Well, you think you have it bad, I my cat has feline AIDS!" or "You could always strip!" you can successfully avoid the awkward moment, make them laugh, and continue talking about something else. But don't talk to long because they need time to pre-heat the oven, cook the bagel bites and hunker down for the new episode of "Intervention" tonight.