Sometimes Sarcasm Does Pay Off

I think we can all agree that education is important. I took great pride in my education and it is part of the reason that I became a teacher. I had some wonderful teachers throughout my years as a student and I learned some incredible things while under their tutelage. I also had some abysmal teachers. Teachers that made you want to fall asleep, or were incredibly political and obnoxious, or simply hated being in the classroom and were looking at the clock more than I did. I found that I responded differently to the different personalities of my teachers. If they were excited about the material, so was I. If they hated their jobs, I hated them, and so on and so forth... This is why I approached my classroom with such enthusiasm and tried to make learning exciting by quoting Mean Girls, telling funny stories about going to the mall with my mother, and engaging with the students, all while introducing them to new fun musical exploration.

I took a class while in college called The American Musical. Now, anyone that knows me knows I LOVE musical theater. Something about people spontaneously bursting into song, declaring their love for one another, or crying out in anguish, or artfully swearing to covey a point, is very appealing to me. It must be because I am so shy and long to be like the people on stage...or because I am equally obnoxious...you decide. I was SOOOOO excited for this class. You weren't allowed to take it as an underclassmen because the demand to get in the class was so high. I can't imagine why, because this was the MOST BORING CLASS KNOWN TO MAN!!! Rather than watch musicals, or discuss the modern favorites, we spent the entire semester learning about Vaudeville, and Tin Pan Alley, and the importance of Pal Joey. HONESTLY!!!

After we got through all of the boring crap, we finally made it to the first musical: Showboat. The music in Showboat is iconic and the show itself isn't bad when you ignore the fact that the protagonist leaves his pregnant wife and shows up again years later and everything is suddenly alright. In real life that would have warranted a Jerry Springer episode and probably 2 counts of felony assault, but I digress...The most horrifying part of the show is the end when the guy shows up to the Showboat (yeah, it takes place on a Showboat...) and sees his daughter that he didn't know existed and starts playing dolls with her and sings a song called "Make Believe." Now, I have seen enough episodes of Law and Order SVU to know that this is the part where the girl gets abducted and is later found in cage in his basement, but to my surprise, that didn't happen. The mother takes him back and they live happily ever after.

The other, and by other, I mean the ONLY other, show we watched was "Oklahoma." I know some of you are thinking, "Awww, I love Oklahoma", but I am convinced that you either ate paint chips as a kid or are suffering from an affliction that I call, "Lack of taste". Oklahoma is TERRIBLE. For those of you who disagree, I ask you, would you want to be in a show where the protagonist's name is Curley, or where he sings a song encouraging the poor farmhand to kill himself? That is some messed up shit! Furthermore, one of the female characters is a "territory tramp" and if the lead girl had any sense, she would see that Judd desperately needs a shower and has no business taking a girl as pretty as herself to the party in the middle of nowhere. I am not even going to discuss the 90 minute dream ballet, that is supposed to be about the main characters, but they were such poor dancers, they needed stand ins. The whole thing is a tragedy.

Anyway, we had to suffer through 3 whole class periods of this cowboy saga and I don't think I would have survived had I not been making jokes with my friends Meghan and Kelley the whole time. Thankfully the professor was so enthralled in the rousing rendition of "The Farmer and the Cowman should be friends" to notice. In that moment, I knew that I had to take my education in my own hands. If I had to watch crummy musical theater, I should at least have a few laughs.

One of the assignments we had to do for the course was review 2 musicals of our choosing. This was my time to shine!!! I have impeccable taste when it comes to musical theater and, as you can read, I have an excellent critical eye. These qualities, coupled with my modest nature are what make me so well liked...right? RIGHT?

You've probably stopped reading, because I sound like a jackass, but I promise, it gets better...

For my project, I chose one of the BEST musicals of all time. Jekyll and Hyde- starring...wait for it...DAVID HASSELHOFF!!! If I had to suffer through Poor Judd is dead, the poor bastard that taught my class was going to have to suffer through my review of this train wreck. I found it at the local public library and it was totally worth the judgement I faced at the hands of the 98 year old woman who helped me check it out. I have included my review below...

So much can be said about the musical Jekyll and Hyde, composed by Frank Wildhorn, based on the book by Robert Louis Stevenson. Jekyll and Hyde is the tale of Dr. Henry Jekyll, a promising doctor, working to continue the research his father had started before taking ill. This research is in the field of medical science, particularly the study of human nature. Jekyll believes, based on his research, that he has discovered a way to eliminate the evil in all of us and believes that he can prove it by testing on a human subject. Jekyll’s request to the hospital board to have a human test subject is denied for the 3^rd and final time and Jekyll is forced to abandon his research, that is, until a subject comes along. Obsessed with his work, to the point where he is ignoring his fiancée Emma, Jekyll decided the only person he can test his medication on is himself. After injecting the syringe into his arm, Jekyll realizes his calculations were incorrect and that he has made a horrible mistake. Rather than eliminiating his personal evil, he has provided that evil with the opportunity to be unleashed. After murdering all of the members of the hospital board, he turns his sights on Lucy, a poor dancer who once sought his help. He murders her, like the others, without remorse as Dr. Jekyll struggles to gain control over the other side of his personality. He then realizes that his efforts can not be successful and runs himself through with a sword at his wedding, dying in Emma’s arms. 

This story is exciting and has a great deal of potential, however, this potential was left unachieved. This popular tale is set beautifully to music through several rangy ballads and exciting chorus numbers which, with experienced and talented musicians, could have allotted for a great amount of success. However, rather than casting people based on talent, they decided to go with an international wildcard: David Hasselhoff. I don’t know about you, but when I think about musical theater, Hasselhoff is the only name that comes to mind. You may remember David Hasselhoff from the TV series Baywatch, and his portrayal of Jekyll/Hyde was about as convincing as his portrayal of someone that who has the skills to save peoples lives. His acting was so over the top that I wanted to Hyde and (Je)kill myself. This production had a small sliver of a chance of surviving had they not cast this incompetent German oaf to play the title role. 

 Not only was Hasselhoff’s acting abysmal, but they must have hired a blind Tim Burton be the set designer and chorographer. The production was so poorly put together; you could hardly tell what was happening. 12 high definition cameras could not make up for the fact that there was about as much light in that theater as there is emitting from a black hole. This was not the only downfall. The stage floor was painted red, blood red, in the pathetic attempt to create the suspense that could not be seen by the audience members not wearing night vision goggles. This design flaw did not do anything to advance the minimalist sets that were rolled on stage for the various musical numbers. Apparently this was a low budget musical because they did not waste money on electricity and the sets look like they were constructed by 7^th grade remedial shop class at P.S.118. 

All of these factors are incredibly unfortunate because there was some budding talent breaking through the level of crap listed above. The characters Emma and Lucy in the production carried the show, not only vocally, but as actors as well. These relative nobodies (they couldn’t get anyone of any significance to share the stage with Hasselhoff) could sing until the walls came falling down around them. The melodic ballads “Someone Like You” and “A New Life” have never been sung more beautifully or with more emotion. It is a shame that they were overshadowed by the rest of the train wreck production. I found myself getting excited when ever one of them came on stage, thinking that I would want to die a little less when they were singing. Each of these leading ladies portrayed their characters exceptionally well. It is a shame that these 2 characters never met in the production because perhaps they would realize that they were really the only talent in the show and would have themselves their own little killing spree, starting with Heir Hasselhoff. They do manage, however, to have a duet together, entitled “His Eyes” which is, without a doubt, the best song in the entire production. The lyric soprano voice of Emma blended fantastically with the harsher mezzo Lucy to form a duet about the love they shared for the same man. Although, let’s not give them too much credit, they are talking about Hasselhoff, and anyone who could love him is obviously under the influence of heavy drugs or alcohol. 

Wildhorn did manage to do a fantastic job of having songs that both isolated feelings that needed to be expressed as well as using the music as a tool to advance the plot. Another positive about the music is the fact that he was able to so effortlessly create a musical identity for each character. The conflicting personality of Jekyll/ Hyde, the soft sympathy of Emma, and the ballsy and brazen Lucy were all captured though masterful orchestration and clever lyrics. The chorus was also employed to perform a series of similar choruses in reprise designed to illustrate the evolution of Jekyll as a character and recap his injustices. With a competent leading male, this show had the potential to be extremely successful. 

My favorite and least favorite part of the show was the ending. I resisted the temptation to jump in the air and praise the sweet Lord for bringing about the end of this 2 hour spectacle of mediocre trash and was not at all disappointed that the main character was off-ed in the final moments. Had I been given the opportunity, I would have done it myself. My only wish is that someone had done it an hour and 40 minutes earlier and saved us all the torture of hearing “This is the Moment” screamed at great volumes just for effect. However, as glad as I was that we would not be hearing from Mr. Hasselhoff again that evening, I was extremely disappointed with both the abruptness and quality of the ending. I was expecting another musical number that perhaps was cut from this production because they were aware of the fact that nothing could salvage it now. Even still, after he impales himself, the curtain simply falls. This is Broadway, he should have at least stumbled about for a few moments and made an effort to impart some tidbit of wisdom from his ordeal, but no, he falls like a sack of potatoes and they drop the curtain so that Hasselhoff will not suddenly hop up and get the urge to start singing. 

This production was awful. It made me hate musical theater, singing, and the German people for loving Hasselhoff so much. And that is saying something…I’m German. I feel sorry for Wildhorn for having to see his brilliant work mutilated by the vocals of a former Baywatch lifeguard. It’s like having Courtney Love babysit your child: No matter how good they are and how much they obey your rules, they’re still screwed. While there were a few shimmers of light poking through the impending darkness in the theater, it was not enough to prevent audience members from jumping in front of a cab rather than hailing one. 

Let it be known, I got an "A" on this paper. I followed the criteria and I believe I was successful in showing the audience my own unique style of writing. I asked the professor if I could read my paper to the class before handing it in and he obliged...he immediately regretted this decision. As my classmates laughed and,as he tried to gain control over the room once again, I am pretty sure that he had wished that I had hidden and Je-killed myself.